a nOtE to sELf

Having a new mac, a new (cheap) phone, a new (another cheap one) trenchcoat, and a pretty face (hehehe) doesn't make me rich. Or even close to being rich. You know, most people, when they know that you're abroad for a long time, you're makin lots of moolah! Partly I do, but sad to say, there are a whole lot of BUTS.

Yesterday, I got the courage to borrow money from my ever reliable family here, ate sally. Yup, half of the money I used to buy macy was from her. My mother still owes her some money (a lot of money). That's why it's harder for me to borrow. I won't expect that my mom would be able to pay her at this time, so I kinda volunteered to pay for my mom as well. My mom and I exchanged texts, and she's cool about it. Just then, when we were able to buy the mac, at the cheapest price (109000 jpy = 42000 php). I texted mom saying that ate sally lent me some moolah, I'm so happy got a new mac. She replied like this, "just pay her little by little blah blah blah," the last sentence was like, "remember, youve got 2 bros in college, matindi baon, tuition pa!"

At that moment I felt I heard myself cry in silence, "oh boy! here comes pressure again!" Since I got my first ever paycheck (3+ years ago), I felt sad about having to give something to the family. I felt sad about being obliged to contribute. I felt sad about the million debts (literally), the jutangs and all other financial crisis my family's dealing with now. I felt sad I felt sad. I felt sad all the time! I envy my other colleagues, who have no other worries but just themselves, who have all the chance to save for their future, or buy whatever they want, without the horrible feeling of guilt. This has been my issue for so long ago, and it has always been the root cause of me and my mother's dispute. PRESSURE SUCKS.

Most of the time I found myself complaining. One time I even escaped. I know now, that a thousand whinings and grumblings won't help, even escape. I knew I was telling this to myself a couple of times before, trying to convince myself that I need to do self-less acts each day so my family will survive. I guess I failed a thousand times.

A couple of reminders from ate sally that struck me:
1. "Magpadala ka sa inyo lagi. Di bale nang wala kang maipon dito. Basta masaya/mayaman sila dun."
2. "Magtipid ka. Wag ka nang magsasama sa mga lakad niyo. Gastos lang yun.."

I realized that she's right. Hearing these from someone, who is proven to be self-less (her husband fell for her because of her uber care to her family in the Philippines) got me on my shoes. When you've got responsibilities, you've got to hold your fire, think twice before doing things you enjoy the most (in my case - shopping, going out, partying). Again, I do know these stuffs some years ago, yet I just always deny that my family's in financial mess.

Most friends say that I have to enjoy my stay here so I won't feel any sadness. Enjoying Japan, most of the time, requires money-spending. How can I enjoy my stay here after having these realizations.. WITH A SHATTERED HEART in tow? How can I stop thinking..? How can I get diversions? Oh, maybe I should opt for the cheaper (nah!).. FREE ones. Does it exist.. here? Haay. It really drives me crazy.

LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I am here. I have all the chance to make more money.. brothers will continue College. Everyone at home will be happy.. And I have a new MAC! Perhaps it could take the place of the best diversion. Hmm. Maybe I should change the name, maybe I should change it also to a 'HE'. AY. I think it's better to name it as a female.

Trouble is, will I make it.. Knowing my impulsive shopping self, and uncontrollable money-spending skills (that feeling of, "oh, where did my moolah go?")..? Will I be able to send money over at a fixed and highest possible value? Will I be able to save..? WILL I BE ABLE TO CHANGE..? Scares the hell out of me..

Anyway, KERIBELS ko to.